How about a spot of tea?

Welcome to my humble abode. Now sit darling, sit. I hear you're interested in joining me for some tea? Is it true? Truly true?

So it is? Quite splendid! But before we can have any tea I have a favor to ask. Well, more than just a single favor. I have multiple favors to ask of you. Let me be honest, I have a lot of favors to ask of you. Worry not! For these are certainly not the labours of Hercules. No, no. These are but necessary steps to prove we are a fantastic match for afternoon tea.

Are you ready? I'm sure you are as everyone wants a chance of tea with me. Who wouldn't? I offer the finest teas, the best company, and the best afternoon tea snacks.

First, I'm going to need you to tell me why you're absolutely completely head over heels in love with the idea of having tea with me. I know, I know it does sound a bit narcissistic, but I really need to know how well you can compliment me. Plus we should start building up our rapport early on. How does one enjoy afternoon tea with another in nothing but silence? Honestly though there has been an explosion of interest in tea with me, so I won't be able to afford more than a few moments. Better get in the flattery quickly!

Alright with that out of the way I'd like for you to provide me a complete list of your tea brewing accomplishments. We cannot have any random person brewing our extraordinary tea and ruining it, can we? The lengths we go to procuring our tea would make even kings, queens, and sultans jealous. Such exquisite tea can only be had by the best and only the best brewers.

Well it does sound like you are quite the marvelous partner for tea! But, I've seen my fair share of cunning con artists and although you've made it through this far you have yet to demonstrate anything of value to me. We cannot afford the risk of our tea and our time falling into nefarious hands. As you claim to have the tea background, please tell me all about the Darjeeling district and about several of the tea estates there. One cannot enjoy tea without knowing all about the rich historical roots from which it comes.

Excellent, I can see you are a true connoiseur of tea. Only a fraction of individuals make it this far, so you should be proud of your accomplishment. Now we cannot cut any corners, so I have prepared for you the opportunity to demonstrate both your brewing and conversational skills. Do not fret, this will definitely be relevant! Assistant, please bring out our lowest quality tea! I would like for you to brew this using only what is available in front of you and I expect an elevated brew too. A true tea drinker can make the worse taste like the best and brew without modern conveniences. The British were able to do so in tanks in WW2 and are we not always in a life & death battle?

I must say I am impressed. You've whipped up an incredible cup using the most primitive of tools. Most would stop here, but not I. For only the best and brightest can sit down, chat, snack, and sip on tea with me. We must discuss and plan your perfect tea. Sure this is highly opinionated, but I for one will not stand for your perfect afternoon tea. It must rival my own, be filled with whimsy and spectacle, sprinkled with treats throughout, and interspersed with philosophical conversation.

You are a rare specimen. A veritable lover of the brew, a champion of the art! You've barrelled past every obstacle we set in your path. Demolished each barricade on your journey. You have what it takes for us to embark upon a sublime afternoon tea and I invite you to join myself for the event of a lifetime!

Oh I forgot to mention, you'll need to provide the tea, bake the treats, and pay for your own transportation here. Don't worry though, my company and this experience will pay for itself ten times over. You might even be set for life after this event!

What do you mean you were expecting more after all the time you've put in talking with us? How did we overhype the afternoon tea? Of course, everyone here is beyond amazing and are all working toward the perfect afternoon tea. We're all willing to put aside the typical expectations to reach the pinnacle of tea.

I see you don't see eye to eye with us now. Good day sir. I said good day.